Dear Mr. Darcy: A Retelling of Pride and Prejudice Read online

  I explained to her again about the entail, but she was adamant that it was a deceitful invention, designed to cheat her out of what was rightfully hers.

  This is not an easy house in which to be a Learned Woman, for there is no possibility of the exchange of rational or intellectual ideas.

  At last I abandoned the attempt to explain the entail to her and continued to enumerate my plans, saying that I intended to devote four hours a day to learning a new instrument. Lydia said that I could not even play the pianoforte and that she would go mad if she had to listen to me learning to play the harp.

  As you know, dear Lucy, Lydia is a Philistine. However, she only laughed when I said so, and danced around the room, saying, ‘Phyllis Stein, Phyllis Stein, Lord! What a lark! Kitty, you must not call me Lydia from now on, my new name is Phyllis Stein.’

  I did not let this daunt me, and merely remarked that I intend to spend four hours a day practising the pianoforte as well. I will, of course, ignore Mama when she comes into the room after ten minutes and says, ‘What is all that noise? Really, Mary, have some compassion on my poor nerves,’ and I will also ignore my younger sisters when they laugh at me and tell me to play a jig.

  It is not easy to be a Learned Women in such a wilderness of ignorance. If not for Mr Shackleton, I do not know what I would do. He at least is capable of rational conversation and deep thinking on important subjects. He agreed with me when I said that preludes are of great intellectual beauty, whereas there is no intellectual value in a jig. I have promised him I will write a maxim on the subject.

  It is also my intention to spend four hours a day in rational conversation, but this is impossible since Mr Shackleton is engaged in my uncle’s office and no one at Longbourn House is capable of such a thing. Mama can talk of nothing except Mr Bingley and his five thousand a year whilst Kitty and Lydia can think of nothing but bonnets. Jane is a sweet girl but not even her best friend could accuse her of being a Woman of Brain, and Elizabeth confuses Levity with Wit.

  Mr Shackleton agreed with me when I said as much at my aunt and uncle Philips’s house this evening. Although he is only my uncle’s clerk, he shows great signs of intelligence and I believe his friendship to be worth cultivating. Mr Shackleton also believes that our friendship is worth pursuing.

  Shakespeare said: Friendship is constant.

  Goldsmith said: Friendship is a disinterested commerce between equals.

  I have copied these maxims into my book of extracts. I have also composed a maxim of my own: There is nothing so pure as friendship.

  Mr Shackleton was much taken with it, and I told him he had my permission to copy it into his book of extracts.

  And, lest I ruin my body in my pursuit of mental excellence, I announced that I intend to spend four hours a day in healthful exercise.

  Elizabeth said that if I carried out all my resolutions they would amount to twenty hours of useful activity every day and when would I sleep? I replied that I was willing to sacrifice a few hours’ sleep every night in order to preserve my position as the most accomplished young lady of the neighbourhood.

  Write to me with your own plan of improvement, and we will sustain each other by showering each other’s souls with the balm of true companionship.

  Adieu!

  Mary

  Mr Darcy to Mr Philip Darcy

  Netherfield Park, Hertfordshire,

  October 2

  Philip, I am staying with Bingley at present, but there is no need to address your correspondence to Netherfield as the Pemberley staff have instructions to send all my letters to me here until I return. Although I feel duty bound to remain with Bingley for a month or two, so that he can return my hospitality, the neighbourhood bores me. The countryside is featureless and the people have nothing interesting to say. They have been trooping into the house all week, examining us as though we were exhibits in a zoo, and I dare say to them we must seem as exotic, for there is not one person of fashion amongst them. There is, instead, the newly knighted Sir William Lucas, who has become suddenly fastidious and given up his previous occupations in favour of talking all day long about his presentation at St. James’s. There is his daughter, Charlotte, the local spinster, who, at twenty-seven, is the despair of her younger brothers and sisters, and there is Mrs Long, the neighbourhood gossip.

  When they invited us to the local assembly, I was just about to say that we could not attend when Bingley eagerly accepted. You know what Bingley is: he is as friendly and outgoing as a puppy and it was impossible to stop him. He did not care a bit that he might be mixing with the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker; he thought only to make himself agreeable to his new neighbours. So now we must endure an evening of mortification and punishment as the local burghers ogle our clothes and whisper about our fortunes.

  But I do not think we will be in Hertfordshire very long, for despite his willingness to attend the assembly, Bingley does not seem settled. He has already gone to London for the day. Not even a dinner invitation from one of his new neighbours could detain him, even though the Bennets have five reputedly pretty daughters, and you know how susceptible he is to a pretty face. I would not be surprised if he quits Netherfield before Christmas, once the novelty of having his own estate has worn off. That will suit me very well, for winter in such a place as this would be insupportable.

  If you have a spare moment, call on Georgiana, will you? I know you are soon to be in town. She is always pleased to see you and you will be delighted with her. It is only a few months since you last saw her, but you will find her much grown.

  Darcy

  Mr Philip Darcy to Mr Darcy

  London, October 4

  I took Georgiana to the museum this afternoon as you requested and then entertained her to tea. You will be glad to know that she is well and happy and she sends you her love. She has been taking advantage of the fine weather to ride in the park, and Ullswater goes with her. I was pleased to see that Ullswater has reached a steady age and no longer runs off after every rabbit that pops out of a hole. Georgiana has done some very pretty sketches of the Thames and she has presented me with a monogrammed handkerchief, stitched with her own hand. I will call on her often, as I have decided to spend the winter in town. When you have had enough of humouring Bingley, I hope to see you here.

  PD

  Miss Anne de Bourgh to Miss Georgiana Darcy

  Rosings Park, Kent, October 13

  Dearest Georgiana,

  We have had a visit from Philip and he tells us that he has seen you and that you are looking well. I am glad to hear it. I suggested to Mama that you should come and stay with us here, but she is entertaining herself with Mr Collins at present and has no need of any further diversion. He is the new rector of Hunsford, you know, and she is keeping herself busy by telling him how to manage his affairs. He is very grateful to her for her advice, and Mama has always liked gratitude so she invited him to dine a few days ago, that they might both continue to enjoy themselves. He remarked, not for the first time, that I seemed born to be a duchess, and I had to hide a smile behind my napkin. It is his idea of delicate flattery, I suppose, but I cannot altogether blame him, for Mama likes flattery as much as she likes gratitude.

  We made up a pool of quadrille in the evening but it was not entirely satisfactory, so Mama hit upon the notion of providing us with some more company by telling Mr Collins that he should marry. He was dumbfounded, poor man, but it was useless for him to protest and five minutes later he was thanking Mama for her kind condescension. Indeed, he said he had often thought of marrying and that he meant to do so as soon as the parsonage was ready to receive a wife.

  Mama was not one to accept this as a reason for delay and so she visited him yesterday in his parsonage and told him that, once he had put some shelves in the closets upstairs, the parsonage would be ready. I pity Mr Collins, for Mama means to have him married before the year is out.

  He confided in me later that he was very willing to follow Mama’s wishe
s, but that he did not know exactly where to find a wife. I could see that the matter troubled him and so I suggested he go to his cousins, for he has mentioned them on more than one occasion. They live in Hertfordshire and because they have no sons, only five daughters, they will be in some difficulties when their father dies, if they should not happen to marry, for the estate is entailed on Mr Collins.

  He thought this a happy suggestion, for it would provide him with a wife and a means of doing good at the same time; and I think he is also not averse to the idea that his wife will likely be grateful to him. Indeed, I suspect that he likes gratitude as much as Mama does.

  Whether his wife will be able to provide it for him as well as he provides it for his patroness remains to be seen.

  But enough of my affairs. Tell me how you went on with your friend. Are you getting along with Mrs Annesley? And how is Mr Bingley liking his estate?

  Your affectionate cousin,

  Anne

  Mr Darcy to Mr Philip Darcy

  Netherfield Park, Hertfordshire,

  October 13

  Thank you for your kindness to Georgiana. I would like nothing better than to join you in town, as our time here grows ever more irritating. The assembly was even worse than I had expected. Bingley was happy, of course, particularly as he spent the evening dancing with Miss Bennet, the only pretty girl in the room, but there was no one I cared to stand up with, and as an assembly ball has no other purpose but dancing, the evening was tedious in the extreme. Bingley tried to tempt me to dance with one of Miss Bennet’s sisters, saying that Miss Elizabeth, too, was a pretty girl. But although she was tolerable she was not handsome enough to tempt me, and besides, I was in no mood to give consequence to young ladies who were slighted by other men. I rather think she might have overheard me saying so to Bingley, which added to my ill humour, for of course I had not intended it. I danced with Caroline at last as a means of keeping boredom and irritation at bay; she, at least, dances well. She made her new neighbours the subject of her sharp wit and whilst Bingley said that he had never met with pleasanter people or prettier girls, and called Miss Bennet an angel, Caroline was more clear-sighted and laughed at the Bennets en masse. Mrs Bennet was excessively vulgar, the youngest two girls were common flirts and Miss Mary Bennet was almost worse, for despite being described as the most accomplished young lady in the neighbourhood she displayed neither talent, skill nor taste.

  Caroline and Louisa allowed Miss Bennet to be a sweet girl, however, which did not surprise me, for they must have some company whilst they are here and there is no one else they could tolerate.

  Remember me to your parents, and your brothers and sisters,

  Darcy

  Mr Philip Darcy to Mr Darcy

  Wiltshire, October 14

  What a time you have been having! But that is what comes of befriending a man whose fortune comes from trade. Lady Catherine feels the same. She is in town for a few days, having just returned from Cumbria, where she has been visiting her brother. Anne did not go with her, not being well enough. It says much about my aunt’s new rector that she felt she could leave him alone in the neighbourhood with Anne, for she seems convinced of his probity and his respect. He is a very worthy young man, she tells me, ‘though in need of a wife,’ she remarked, ‘for we are short of a fourth when we play cards.’ It is not perhaps the best reason for marriage, but for my aunt it suffices. It seems to suffice for Mr Collins, too. I hope the woman he chooses is of a practical temperament, for her sake, and that she has a strong yet pliant character: living close to Lady Catherine will not be easy for a young woman, newly married, unless she has those qualities.

  PD

  Mr Collins to Mr Bennet

  Hunsford, near Westerham, Kent,

  October 15

  Dear Sir,

  The disagreement subsisting between yourself and my late honoured father always gave me much uneasiness, and since I have had the misfortune to lose him, I have frequently wished to heal the breach; but for some time I was kept back by my own doubts, fearing lest it might seem disrespectful to his memory for me to be on good terms with anyone with whom it had always pleased him to be at variance.

  My mind, however, is now made up on the subject, for having received ordination at Easter, I have been so fortunate as to be distinguished by the patronage of the Right Honourable Lady Catherine de Bourgh, widow of Sir Lewis de Bourgh, whose bounty and beneficence has preferred me to the valuable rectory of this parish, where it shall be my earnest endeavour to demean myself with grateful respect towards her Ladyship, and be ever ready to perform those rites and ceremonies which are instituted by the Church of England. As a clergyman, moreover, I feel it my duty to promote and establish the blessing of peace in all families within the reach of my influence; and on these grounds I flatter myself that my present overtures of goodwill are highly commendable, and that the circumstance of my being next in the entail of Longbourn estate will be kindly overlooked on your side, and not lead you to reject the offered olive branch. I cannot be otherwise than concerned at being the means of injuring your amiable daughters, and beg leave to apologise for it, as well as to assure you of my readiness to make them every possible amends—but of this hereafter. If you should have no objection to receive me into your house, I propose myself the satisfaction of waiting on you and your family, Monday, November 18th, by four o’clock, and shall probably trespass on your hospitality till the Saturday sennight following, which I can do without any inconvenience, as Lady Catherine is far from objecting to my occasional absence on a Sunday, provided that some other clergyman is engaged to do the duty of the day.

  I remain, dear sir, with respectful compliments to your lady and daughters, your well-wisher and friend,

  William Collins

  Mrs Gardiner to Miss Elizabeth Bennet

  Gracechurch Street, London,

  October 18

  Dear Lizzy,

  I have had such a strange and garbled letter from your mama that I thought I ought to write to you and find out the meaning of it. She says that Mr Bingley is on the point of marrying Jane. Is your sister really on the point of marriage, or is it one of your mama’s speculations? And does your mama really like Mr Bingley? At first I thought so, for she called him the most agreeable young man of her acquaintance, and then, not two minutes later, she called him disagreeable. She also declared that he loved dancing and then went on to say that he did not dance at all. Perhaps you will be able to explain this paragraph to me:

  We are all in raptures over Mr Bingley. He is the pleasantest young man imaginable, so affable and keen to please and be pleased, I am quite delighted with him! And dance! He danced all night long, and almost every dance with Jane. I am sure I am not surprised, for everyone knows my girls are the finest girls in the neighbourhood, and if he does not think so, then he has only himself to blame. Everyone is agreed that he is the proudest, most disagreeable man in the world and if he does not choose to dance, then, if I were her, I would choose not to dance with him next time.

  Pray tell me, Lizzy, what does it mean?

  Your affectionate aunt,

  Margaret

  Miss Elizabeth Bennet to Mrs Gardiner

  Longbourn, Hertfordshire,

  October 20

  My dear Aunt Gardiner,

  It is really very simple: two young men have moved into the neighbourhood. The first, Mr Bingley, as you know, has rented Netherfield Park. The second, Mr Darcy, is his friend. Mr Bingley is affable and agreeable and although he has not had time to propose to Jane yet, he has at least made a good start by dancing with her twice at the Meryton assembly. Jane, in turn, likes him very well, and I do not object to it, for I am sure she has liked many a stupider young man. She declares him just what a young man ought to be: sensible, good-humoured and lively, with easy manners and perfect good breeding. She has only known him a week, but already I think she is falling in love with him. Mama is convinced he is on the brink of proposing, for when has she ever neg
lected to see a certainty of a marriage where anyone else would see nothing but a preference? And yet I will say this: it is generally evident whenever they meet that he admires her, and that Jane is yielding to her initial preference, so perhaps Mama is not so far from the truth this time, after all.

  Mr Darcy, on the other hand, is the opposite of his friend. He is haughty, reserved and above his company. He is the kind of man who will always be well liked at first, for he is handsome, with a fine figure and ten thousand a year; but not all his estate in Derbyshire could save him from being discovered to be proud and disagreeable when he talked only to members of his own party, and declined being introduced to any other young lady in the room.

  And here I must say that I have more reason than most to dislike him, because he slighted my attractions in a very public manner. He committed the grievous sin of refusing to dance with me, even though gentlemen were scarce and I was without a partner, and his friend Mr Bingley urged him to. But I dare say I will live, even though I am not handsome enough to tempt Mr Darcy. Yes, dear aunt, he did indeed say those very words, much to the consternation of poor Mr Bingley, who did not know what to reply; and much to the disgust of Mama. I am beginning to wish I had never told her about it, for although I told it as a joke against myself, she has used it as an excuse to be rude to him ever since.

  You will be pleased to know that, despite this, we are all well. Mama complains constantly about her nerves—when she is not planning Jane’s wedding or wishing Mr Darcy away from Meryton—but they are quickly forgotten when she has anything more agreeable to think of.

  Papa continues to be amused by everything, including Mama. He had a letter from Kent the other morning which produced great mirth, but he has not yet told us what it contained. I hope he will let us in on the joke by and by.